


there's just no percentage in remembering the past

by thedarlingone (Curuchamion)



Category: Star Wars Legends: X-Wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Gen, Introspection, POV First Person, aromantic Wes Janson, background Wedge/Iella
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 05:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14609931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curuchamion/pseuds/thedarlingone
Summary: Alone on guard outside Iella's apartment on Adumar, Wes reflects on how his relationships are changing.





	there's just no percentage in remembering the past

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Mayhem21 for beta reading and camshaft22 for encouraging noises! Title from “Take a Giant Step” by the Monkees.
> 
> Wes is a bitter, lonely, angry little bastard in this one...

I'm not jealous. Really I'm not.

They'll be great together. Iella's smart, capable, brave, a great shot; she's good enough for Wedge if anybody is. She seems to love him, and I know he adores her. They're wonderful together.

It's just...

Tycho and Hobbie and Wedge and me. It's been the four of us, ever since Hoth. We're closer than family, more than brothers -- partners, wingmates, interlinked. We know each other, blood and bone.

They're everything I've ever needed. I can't imagine wanting a family other than them. But here I am, sitting on a hard floor trying to stay awake, helping break that family apart.

Okay, I'm being melodramatic. When am I not? But... Wedge wants a family. To him, whatever the four of us have, it isn't enough. And that's killing me -- knowing that whatever it is he needs, I can't help give it to him, I can't even understand what it _is_.

I know it's normal. I'm the freak here, not him. Most people are wired to want what he wants: romance, marriage, blood kin. It was inevitable that he'd start looking for that, now that the war's winding down, now that the Rogues are flying more aerial performances than combat. It's something he needs; he won't be happy without it. I accept that.

I didn't think it'd hurt this bad. Tycho and Winter have been dating for years and it never bothered me. But... well, let's be frank, Winter's never around. She has her own missions, and Tycho still flies with us. Wedge hasn't flown as a Rogue for a couple years now, since not long after he made General. 

Face it, Janson, it's been over for a while now. Your perfect little family. You were just pretending he'd come back someday. You always knew this would happen.

So what happens next? After the war, if not sooner? Wedge and Iella settle down, Tycho and Winter. Me and Hobbie... does he stay because, like me, he's got nowhere else to go, or does he find somebody too? Statistically, he probably finds somebody. I hope so. I hope, whoever it is, he'll get to be happy too.

I guess I am a little bit jealous. Who wouldn't be? There are three people I care about more than anything in the galaxy. I love them, in every way I'm capable of love. And thanks to some stupid kriffing glitch in my brain, my best can only ever be their second best.

I want them to be happy and whole so much. I just wish they could do it without leaving me behind. They’re all I need to be complete, but I can’t give them what they need in return. I can't even comprehend why not -- it’s simply out of my reach. 

Would I want to be like them? Be normal? If I could somehow uncross the wires in my head, plug in the missing connection, flip that switch? I don't know. I don't even know what that would feel like. If they weren't the most important people in my life, if I could want that something-more… who would I _be?_

I truly am happy for Wedge, just like I’ve always been happy for Tycho. I’ll be happy for Hobbie when he finally finds his somebody. 

Maybe someday I can get used to being alone.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Nonspecific Excuse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916536) by [IrenkaFeralKitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrenkaFeralKitty/pseuds/IrenkaFeralKitty)




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